Coping with Suicide Loss During the Holidays
Christmas is a time of year that carries so many expectations. Everywhere we look, advertising invites us into ideas of joy, family and togetherness. But when someone we love has died by suicide, Christmas can feel like an almost impossible season to face. Whether the loss is recent or if it happened years ago, something about this time of year has a way of prising open our emotional wounds and making the absence of people we love feel sharper, louder, and more intense.
One of the reasons Christmas is so difficult after a bereavement is because the whole season puts pressure on us to feel that sense of togetherness, connection, and celebration, while the reality can feel like loneliness, isolation and abandonment. It can feel like everyone else is having the perfect Christmas, but my family or my life feels so very broken. The life we had before our loved ones death has been ruptured and the new life we’re trying to build has often not yet been formed, leaving us in this ‘in between’ space. The empty chair at the table, the traditions that no longer bring joy, the sound of other people’s cheerfulness—it can all feel incredibly jarring and even unbearable. Even the smallest things, like a Christmas card wishing you a “Happy Christmas,” can feel so deeply mis-attuned, further amplifying the feelings of aloneness in our grief.
Families often try to protect each other by pretending to be fine, but this can leave everyone suffering in silence, alone. For many, it really is more healing to talk about what has happened, to speak about their loved one, and to allow those moments of sadness to rise and fall. Grief is not an interruption to Christmas; it is part of the reality of loving someone who is no longer here. Allowing time and space for that sadness can ease the pressure. Grieving, is a normal, natural response to the death of someone we love.
The Unique Pain of Suicide Loss at Christmas
Suicide bereavement has its own particular set of thoughts and feelings. It often brings shock, disbelief, confusion, and a whole range of uncomfortable emotions. The questions that often run through the mind relentlessly can be exacerbated at Christmas time: Why did this happen? Could anything have changed it? Did I miss something? These questions don’t take time off for the holidays. If anything, the intensity of the holiday season can make them feel more intrusive, as we go through all the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’.
Respecting Your Body’s Need for Kindness
What isn’t addressed enough is how deeply this kind of sudden and traumatic loss can impact our body. When a death is sudden and tragic, our bodies can stay in a heightened state of stress for months afterwards. The nervous system remains on high alert and it can seem impossible to find ease. Our sleep is often disturbed and we might find that our heart is racing or our stomach may be uneasy. Our bodies can carry the shock of the death long after everyone else has “gone back to normal.” And then Christmas comes along and it can completely overwhelm our already stretched nervous system.
It is so important to be gentle with ourselves at this time of year. You may notice your body becoming more tense, more tired, more reactive than usual. Most people find that the anticipation or dread leading up to Christmas is worse than the actual day itself. The weeks of pressure, anticipation, memories, and emotional overwhelm can be truly exhausting. When people try to “push through,” and suppress what they are actually feeling, those feelings can become even more intrusive and harder to push down, and eventually they may come out as anger towards someone, or a sense of ‘falling apart’. Somehow, the more joyful we believe an event should be, the more difficult it is for us to manage. It is so important to adjust our expectations of the day.
Simple Strategies for a “Good Enough” Christmas
It may help to make small adjustments around Christmas time —not to ignore the grief, but to avoid making the physical discomfort worse. Simple things such as creating quieter, more gentle spaces, allowing yourself warmth and comfort, taking breaks from noisy celebrations, going outside to get fresh air. Keeping the day slower, less social and less demanding can really make a meaningful difference. Focusing also on who IS there, is an important element. It can definitely help to pay attention to how best to support your body after enormous shock, through self-care, self-compassion and kindness, however that looks like for you.
Many people find comfort in including their loved one who has died in the day in small ways. This might be a photo on the dining room table, lighting a candle beside their picture, visiting somewhere important to them, or simply pausing for a quiet moment of remembrance. Others find that changing the day completely—new routines, new locations, new traditions, new roles—helps ease the intensity. Some people choose to go away and avoid Christmas altogether. There is no right or wrong way to do Christmas after a bereavement. You can keep things exactly as they were, you can change everything, or you can decide not to mark the day at all this year. Only you can decide on what feels right for you.
The social pressures at Christmas time can be challenging. Many people will not understand the depth of suicide grief, or they may avoid mentioning the person who died, which can feel incredibly lonely. It is okay to say no to invitations, to leave gatherings early, or to choose to spend the day with only the people who ‘get it’. Some people may leave you alone so as not to bother you, and may be delighted to hear from you, so if you want connection, don’t be afraid to ask for company if that’s what you need. Sometimes a short visit, a walk with a friend, or even a phone call with someone who “gets it” can bring a small sense of steadiness.
Moving Towards the New Year
And when Christmas finally passes, many people are caught off guard by the emotional weight of the New Year. Entering a year that your loved one will never live in can be profoundly painful. It can stir up guilt, sadness, and a feeling of moving further away from them, into a year that they will never know. Knowing this in advance can help you create a little space around it—gentleness, support, ritual, or simply permission to feel whatever arises.
Remember also, the incredibly soothing power of the natural world. We are nature, we are an integral part of the natural world. Leaving the built world and finding time outdoors can bring such ease to our whole being. Whether it be the seaside, the mountains or the forest, finding your connection with nature can be a wonderful way to feel held and supported – she is bigger than all of us, bigger than our grief. Nature can hold the enormity of our emotions with ease and grace.
Instead of aiming for a happy Christmas, it may be kinder to aim for a “good enough” one—one where you are gentle with yourself, where you listen to your body, and where you allow your grief to be part of the day. Whatever shape Christmas takes for you this year, may you find moments of ease, kindness, and some small measure of peace. And in the words of Irish poet John O’Donoghue, be excessively gentle with yourself.
Written by Liz Gleeson, an experienced Psychotherapist and Educator in the field of Grief and Loss. You learn more about Liz on her website https://shapesofgrief.com