16 years of age and after sitting my junior cert I happened to meet what ended up being the love of my life, my husband, father to my three beautiful girls, and soul mate forever –WILLY BERMINGHAM to me was and still is the most handsome kindness man you could ever meet.
We grew up together knew each other inside out and had the same hobbies and interests. Never a weekend would go by that you would not see either of us being part of our local musical society. This is where our true romance started. Willy was the talented one when it came to singing and acting and me being his number one supporter or usually his backing dancer. Years of happiness were found for both of us up on stage and this is where Willy was totally himself and truly shone. He had a singing voice that would stop you in your tracks. What I would give to hear that voice just once more.
21st of April 2003 we became Husband and Wife; literally, one of the best days of our lives and true Willy style he sang our 1st dance to me SWEET SWEET THE MEORIES YOU GAVE TO ME. Wasn’t a try eye in the house.
5 years of just me and Will and then along came our 1st daughter Victoria. How our lives changed forever. This amazing, beautiful girl was part of us both the most precious gift we had created. Newtown Village was what we had hoped would be our forever home. Little did I know then that Willy would never get to leave it, and the house would turn into my worst nightmare on the night of May 28th 2021.
When Victoria was age 2, we were pregnant again and the safe arrival of Georgia came 9 months later. Family was so important to Willy and he was always close to his mam but unfortunately, all through his young life she would have struggled with mental health. I became a big part of his family and over the years I would have seen his mam be very low and in and out of hospital a lot. Many a phone call was made to Will from his mam that she was not in a good place. On the 26th of February 2013, Willy received a phone call about his mam. I still to this day can remember the cold and frost of that Sunday evening at about 6 o’clock. I remember telling Will it would be ok and please drive safe. He left the house that evening and I just had a feeling things were never going to be the same again. As I touched down to my big baby bump, number 3 was due any day.
Sadly, it was too late for his beautiful mam, she just couldn’t stay in this world any longer. Life for the next few weeks was just a blur. Alica Patrica (named after his mam) was born a couple of weeks later. We now had 3 daughters under the age of 5 and like all families, you just keep going, life was just busy and we had no time to think about anything only the girls. Did I see my husband grieve the death of his mother probably not or if he did it was certainly in silence.
To give you a little idea about Will he was very open and never hid the fact that his mam had died by suicide but looking back now never once was therapy, counselling or any sort of bereavement counselling even mentioned from me or Will. It just never came into our equation I honestly do think if HUGG was around then it might have been something Willy would have wanted to attend or maybe I would have hoped that he would of? Again, who knows!!!!
The next few years of life was good we had a good work-life balance. I worked part-time and in my free time, I became a long-distance runner something that I didn’t know then would literally save my life. Will worked for himself he was an auto electrician. Things were busy, we were trying to renovate our home which Willy was doing himself. He was so handy and gifted when it came to anything carpentry, the girls were all in school and life was good.
On the 23rd of May 2019, my dad died from a very short illness at 67. I never knew what it was like to grieve. Yes, I had lost my mother-in-law, but your own family was different, and it was my 1st family member to lose, and I remember thinking ‘I’ve no Dad anymore’. Looking back now this was a time I could not have got through without Willy. Not only was he there for me he also made sure that my mam was doing ok and called into see her every day until one day he didn’t.
THE FIRST YEAR OF COVID 2020
Now I can look back and say how lucky we were to spend so much time together. I had no work, the kids were off school, and Willy was quite work-wise, so we all got to spend so much time together as a family. We were that family that did the TikTok dances and the theme nights most Fridays. Year two of Covid was different, the novelty had worn off and at this stage, you missed your normal day-to-day life. Willy always loved the chats and coffee when he called to workplaces, and I remember him saying how he hated talking to people with masks on and how different things were. No more musicals, singing or direct contact with the outside world.
Over the next couple of weeks, Willy started to feel unwell with his back and he was tired all the time. We had many a conversation about trying to relax more not taking on so much work etc We even started yoga together on a Thursday evening to try to help his back and relax more. Nothing worked and our last Thursday night he didn’t go to yoga and he told me he wasn’t feeling well at all and just wasn’t himself. A few weeks previous to that he was put on tablets for his back, and I remember saying before he died that they weren’t agreeing with him, he just wasn’t himself, so he came off them straight away. I’m telling this in my story because I really believe the tablets were something that didn’t help him, actually quite the opposite, but AGAIN WHO KNOWS?
OUR LAST NIGHT TOGETHER, THURSDAY, 27th May 2021
I was having a glass of red wine while straightening our eldest daughter’s hair sitting at the kitchen table. Victoria left to go to bed and Will told me he felt so unwell and felt he was having some sort of breakdown or something. We talked and decided the next morning he would make a doctor’s apt. I went off to bed and fell asleep. The next morning Willy was fast asleep. I got all the girls out to school and I told them not to go down and wake their dad, he was tired. God how I regret that so much now. Looking back I probably have a lot of regrets I’ve to live with.
He woke that morning around 10 wasn’t himself at all and rang the doctor and made an apt for 3 o’clock. We both went about our day I was busy, and Willy went to work and then it was 12 o’clock and my eldest girl had finished her 1st year in secondary school so I was collecting her and her 3 friends to bring to Liffey Valley shopping. Victoria got out of the car and gave her dad a big hug and told him how she did on her last summer exam. We then had lunch together. God, little did I know then it was going to be our last lunch together. That day I never kissed him goodbye. We usually would never leave the house without kissing each other but Victoria’s friends were there and being thirteen I didn’t want to embarrass her!
FRIDAY, 28th May, 2021 MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER
I was walking around Liffey Valley, and I remember starting to feel unwell. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I left Liffey Valley and rounded up the girls and made our way home. I was ringing Willy and no answer. My mam rang me and said she spoke to Willy at 2.30ish and he was on his way to the Doctor and would call into see her on the way by. His appointment was at 3pm and at this point, it was now near 4ish. His phone kept ringing out. I pulled up the drive and his car was there and his mobile was sitting on the window sile of our bedroom I went over and took the phone and saw all the missed calls from me and his sister. I still didn’t worry too much I presumed he was gone for a walk.
Looking back now deep down I just knew something was wrong. Willy never went anywhere without his phone. A few hours passed and I just wouldn’t admit to myself that something was wrong. All my girls were back home now and were upstairs playing. I started to panic now. It was getting dark. I kept telling myself he had been so tired lately that maybe he fell asleep somewhere. I just couldn’t tell anyone that I could not find him because the minute I did that I knew my life was never going to be the same again. I drove into the town and went into his brother’s house to see if he had heard or seen him. He then began to panic and couldn’t believe he was missing for hours, no mobile, car at home and no one had spoken to him in hours. It was then on the drive home with his brother and wife behind me in their car that I knew something serious was wrong. Our home would never be the same again.
I still to this day will never know how I sat down to tell our three beautiful girls that night that their Daddy had died, screams that no one should have to witness or hear.
When the funeral was over, everyone moved back to their lives and here am I wondering how I could survive this life without him. It can’t be possible we’ve been childhood sweethearts since 16 and yet I’m here now with no husband and looking at my 3 daughters wondering how O how can we move forward. I remember typing into Google ‘My husband died by suicide. What do I do?’
CONNECTING WITH OTHERS WHO UNDERSTOOD
It was from there I came across some podcasts and Death Become Us became my everyday thing to listen to. I remember listening to Fiona Twomey’s interview and crying so much I was so desperate to speak to people who had lost anyone to suicide and at this stage I was pounding and pounding the roads body not able to run, skin all burnt under my eyes from crying and yet everyone else’s lives moving on. From there I went to my 1st HUGG group meeting in Leopardstown. I wasn’t even able to drive myself. I couldn’t eat, sleep, nothing. I was barely functioning and yet here I was on a Tuesday evening after my friends drove me up and waited for me. I needed so badly to try to connect with people who just understood. I went to the meetings for a good few weeks but then the kid’s activities started to resume, and the drive was just too far for me and so I had to decide to stop attending. A few weeks passed in a massive daze and in the meantime, I had a local bereavement support group call to me.
I can honestly say I just do not know what I would have done without them just to be able to sit with my sadness and most days anger. I can safely say them couple of hours every week gave me some hope and light that I would survive this. I had to survive this, I had no choice. I had 3 daughters who had lost their Dad and now their Mom was a shell of herself. Turas Le Cheile is the bereavement support group that called to me. I always remember them saying. It’s not a sprint more like a Marathon Libby but you will get there. It still sticks in my head to this day.
That same year I went back running and in 2022 I rang the Dublin marathon for the same charity raising 10k which went towards training people to help others who are in the same situation as I am lost because their person died. That year I ran and the support I got from my family, friends work colleagues was just unbelievable. I think it was the start for me in seeing little pockets of sunshine. Now 3 years later I’m starting my 1st training course with Turas le Chele in a few weeks. I can safely say never in my wildest dreams when Willy died would I have ever thought I would have been strong enough to even consider being able to help others and yet here I am still trying and hoping.
I remember going on a grief retreat that same year. ‘Grief Ireland’ and it was the 1st retreat I was ever on let alone for grief. It was life-changing for me. I connected with so many people but came close to 3 girls, all young widows and with young children and we just hit it off. These beautiful girls are now my best friends and not a day goes by that we don’t speak since that retreat. At the start of my grief journey, I would never have thought anyone else could be in as much pain as me and yet it was everywhere. My 3 beautiful friends all lost their husbands all different deaths, mine being the only suicide but yet, here we are all connected from heartache and giving each other so much hope and support. For me, I need people to try to understand how bad it was and still is to lose your husband, everything you thought your life was going to be just gone. The fear was so real I still can’t put into words how scared I was and still some days still am.
I now had the worry of being a single mom, financially looking after everything and still trying to navigate a life that I never thought possible. For me finding my friends on that grief retreat gave me more hope that I ever thought possible. I hate what they’re going through so much, but it helps that I’m not alone on this widow’s journey and as Diane always said “Girls, we have to take any little pockets of sunshine that comes our way.”
BEFORE WILL DIED AND AFTER WILL DIED
October 2024 over 3 years into this different life and what I always say now is the before Will died and the after. The before seems like a dream. Was I married?? Had my girls even a Dad?? Was I happy?? – Every day I still must fight in my head and have a chat to myself. My saying used to always be and still is FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. Does it work? Yeah, I think it does?
For Willy’s birthday, who would have turned 50 on the 11th of October, I brought the girls to see a musical, just the 4 of us. I can honestly say up until a few months ago I couldn’t even listen to a musical song let alone go see one with the girls, but we done it and yes we actually had a lovely day, few tears along the way but more little pockets of sunshine than sadness.
Anger for me probably is the hardest emotion. I just don’t know what to do with it. Three years I went through trying to understand why. Why would he leave me? Why would he leave his daughters? Were we just not enough for him? Questions after question going around in my head and still no answer… Underneath it all, I know that Willy would have never ever wanted to hurt us or leave us. He adored us more than anything in this world and yet he wasn’t strong enough to stay.
I’m still working on the anger especially when my daughter has her Ty ball or her junior cert results and their Dad is not here to see them, it just bubbles back up again. Where do you put all that anger and sadness? I went to what is called sand therapy and for me, this helped a lot. I know therapy isn’t for everyone, but I would have done or tried anything. I was that desperate to want to feel half normal again. Running probably was what helped me the most, it just shifted the pain out of my body if only for them few hours.
KEEP GOING
On October the 27th 2024, I just ran the Dublin City Marathon in a time of 3.22 a personal best that I didn’t think was possible. This year was my 1st year running the Marathon that was about me.
Since Willy died it’s been my 3rd Marathon. I decided this year I wanted to run for a time and make it about my running and what I could achieve. I crossed the finish line and he wasn’t there but I wanted to cherish that feeling of determination and joy and not of sadness. I knew when I went home and closed my door that night, I would have no Will to hug me and tell me how proud he was. But I did it. When you see the support of your daughters there waiting for you and all your friends willing you on so much, this is what keeps me going. This is what helps me to start living again. We need to keep going one step at a time. Our grief will always be there but moving forward is the only way. As much as we want to go back, we just can’t.
The before and after have a story. Each so different but the love will always be there and will join your stories together one day.
Thank you so much for letting me share my story and hope that it has helped you in some way.
I would like to finish with this little poem.
Gone from us that smiling face, the cheerful pleasant ways
The heart that won so may friends in, in bygone happy days.
A life made beautiful by kindly deeds, a helping hand for others needs
To a beautiful life, Comes a happy end. He died as he lived, Everyone Friend.
Forever 46, Willy Bermingham
Written by Olivia Bermingham October 2024