Hi my name is Elaine and I’m a widowed mom of four. I hope by sharing my story I can give some comfort and hope to others in similar circumstances as me.
My husband Kevin died by suicide in 2015. At the time we had three boys, 8, 5 and 3 years old. I was also pregnant with our daughter. To say it was like someone had thrown a grenade into our lives and home is an understatement. Not only was I trying to keep myself upright, but I also had three young children who wanted their Dad.
It was all like a bad dream and I didn’t know if I would ever find the strength to keep going.
I was very fortunate and blessed to have access to professional support from Barnardos here in Cork. I will be forever grateful to Gina and her team for being my safe space when I needed it most, especially in the early days.
They gave me hope that, with appropriate support and guidance, it was possible for me to navigate our children through their grief. This, in turn, gave me some space to try to make sense of what had happened.
They gave me a safe place and supported me as I tried to explain to my children how their Dad had died, in an age-appropriate way that they could understand.
Supporting Our Family Through Grief
They are now older and are dealing with their grief in different ways, so the support doesn’t end, it changes and evolves. Thankfully, Barnardos are only a phone call away. It’s a huge relief for me to know they are there if I need support.
There are so many milestones we must navigate: Christmas, birthdays, graduations, winning at sporting events, to name but a few, and they will forever be tainted by sadness.
However, we still experience happiness and enjoyment and celebrate our achievements as a family while thinking of Kevin. We celebrate Kevin’s birthday with his favourite Cadbury’s Mini Swiss Rolls or Viennetta ice cream!
We will continue to talk about him, remembering his kind and gentle manner and the fun times we shared.
Unfortunately, Elsie will never get to share our memories of Kevin, her Dad, but with the help and resources from Barnardos, Elsie has added her own precious items to our memory box of Kevin. He will always have a special place in our hearts.
The children and I miss Kevin so much, especially on these occasions, but he will forever live on in his four beautiful children. That’s what keeps me going.
Finding Connection Through HUGG
11 years on, I feel very passionate about supporting others who are on a similar journey through grief. Being a volunteer with HUGG has helped me so much on my own healing journey.
I feel privileged to be part of such a priceless and much-needed support team. I have met the most amazing, kind, compassionate, caring and genuine people through HUGG, and I believe that by sharing how we feel, we can help each other feel connected and less isolated or alone.
My journey is an ongoing process, but I am no longer alone all the time. There are still moments when I can feel very isolated in my sadness, and that’s okay – it does pass.
I carry within me the strength and wisdom gained from the support I have received by reaching out when I needed help. My time with HUGG has been transformative. I’m forever grateful for the support and compassion I have experienced.
There are no words that can take away the pain of losing a loved one to suicide. However, talking about what has happened can help make some sense of this tragedy that has completely shaken our world.
We all have strength within us – we just need to tap into it. Getting appropriate support and being surrounded by people we trust, feel safe with and who have our best interests at heart is essential to tapping into this resilience and strength.
This is not anyone’s fault, and getting caught up in blame will only cause more pain.
All of us who are impacted by suicide will deal with it differently, but I believe the key is to acknowledge our own pain and how this tragedy has affected us, and to keep the lines of communication open.
Be honest about how you are feeling. Reach out to people or organisations that offer a place with no judgement, no trying to ‘fix it’, but where people are present with you and listen to you with care and compassion.
Our lives will be forever changed after a suicide and acknowledging that is part of learning to live with our grief.
With one small step at a time, this paralysing, suffocating pain will ease. The grief and sadness never leave you, you just get stronger, and it doesn’t take up as much of your thoughts and time.
We will create our own new normal, walking alongside our grief.
A Message of Hope
Losing someone to suicide has a devastating effect on you and those close to you. It can be a long and lonely road to walk but being in the company of people who understand what it’s like from their own lived experience can help you to carry that grief a little lighter.
To those affected by grief and trauma after a suicide, while also trying to support children, I extend my heartfelt empathy and a message of hope.
You are not alone.
It is possible to learn to live again after losing a loved one to suicide. 
Please reach out for support.
Elaine
