Hope Stories: Living with Suicide Loss -Sinead’s Story

Hope after Suicide

Welcome to our series of stories that bring comfort, hope, and understanding to those living with the impact of suicide loss. Here, we share genuine experiences that remind us we are not alone. This is Sinead’s story.

On July 30th, 1987, my dad, David, took his own life. He was thirty-five years old. My twin sister and I were just three. In those days, it was still a crime to take your own life. That’s where the stigma and shame began for us. For many years, we didn’t talk about it. I actually didn’t know what really happened until I was thirteen. Even after I found out, we still didn’t talk about it. My mum wasn’t being deliberately vague—she just wanted to protect my sister and me.

When I did find out, I was angry and full of blame. I blamed my dad for leaving us. I blamed his doctors. I blamed his family. I even blamed myself. What I didn’t yet realise was that this deep sense of injustice and rage was actually my grief. I missed my dad. I wanted to know him.

Finding My Dad Through Music

So, I started asking my mum about him. What did he like? I learned that he loved music. One of my earliest memories is of my mum, my sister, and me dancing around our bedroom to the sound of the record player. We danced to Elvis, Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, Blondie, and so many others. That record player and those vinyls had been my dad’s. As I grew older, my own love of music grew, and I fell in love with my dad’s old records. I started learning piano and singing. Music helped calm my mind, and it helped me feel close to Dad. I still sing and play, and it continues to soothe my soul.

A Sense of His Presence

I began to realise that I could feel my dad’s presence in the moments I needed him most. When my son was born in 2013, he was unwell, and I fell into a dark place—but I felt my dad’s arms around me. I felt him in those quiet, sad moments. I felt him when I needed him most.

This brought me great comfort, and I began talking to Dad. I told him how much I love and miss him, and I told him all about his grandson. I also told my son about his grandfather. I began to see how talking to my dad, and speaking openly and honestly about his passing, was helping me. I was no longer holding onto shame.

 

I continue talking to Dad every day. I’ve told him that I’m volunteering with HUGG, and I know he would be so proud. I’ve told him about continuing bonds grief theory and how much it has helped me. I’ve told him how much I’m learning from this wonderful organisation. I do this for him and in his memory. I love my dad. I miss him. But I know he’s not gone. He lives on in me, my sister, and my son.

A Message of Hope

To you reading this, I want you to know that grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows—and that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. I still cry sometimes, and other times I smile when I hear my dad’s favourite song. I know now that I will always have a relationship with Dad, and that he is with me forever. I’m proud to be his daughter.

I wish you all so much love.

Sinead xx

If you or someone you know has been affected by suicide loss, HUGG is here to help. Our compassionate support services are available for adults across Ireland. To join a group please complete the form on our website or call 01 513 4048 (monitored answering machine) and we will call you back.